Lyndsey sometimes likes to watch the Anderson Cooper Show. Yeah, most of the crap on that show is exactly that - crap, but the topic of discussion on Monday was bullying.
There seems to be an epidemic of young people killing themselves due to negative attention from peers. Or rather, more realistically, the media and legal system have decided to concentrate on this issue with greater interest. Why, just a few weeks ago there was a story in the news about a young, carrot-top boy who took his life thanks to bullying. It's now becoming quite common for alleged bullies to face criminal charges for their actions.
Personally, I feel split on this issue. The number of bullied children who commit suicide is hardly representative of the total number of children who are the victims of bullying. This seems to demonstrate (and this is merely my own assumption) that there were deeper psychological issues with these children. Therefore, I'm not entirely sure it's appropriate to lay all of the blame on the bullies.
On the other hand, bullies are wretched people who deserve to be punished. One of my favorite scenes in Chuck Palahniuk's Pigmy (spoiler alert) is when the titular character is being harassed by a larger schoolmate in a store bathroom. Pigmy, being a highly trained terrorist, uses martial arts to incapacitate the bully, and proceeds to rape him in the anus to teach the dumb kid a lesson.
Yeah! Let's see this happen in real life! Perhaps not the raping part, but I do believe just deserts are in order.
On the other hand, what do you do when the entire class (entire school, perhaps) is singling out a select few to ostracize and torment? Bullying can, to some degree, be both a bonding experience and a means of raising self-esteem for the people who are not the victims. As such, even an otherwise decent kid can feel compelled to say and do hurtful things in order to feel accepted into a larger group. The stereotypical bullies, while they do exist, are not an accurate representation of the big picture. So what do we do here? Do we subject the whole class to criminal charges? Is anyone who has made a snide remark towards little Timmy, the weird, four-eyed nose-picker, responsible for his suicide?
On the other hand, is it not our responsibility to try to shape the behavior of our children to be more positive? Is it not possible for us to teach kids to be more tolerant?
On the other hand, meh...I'm done.
Is it our responsibility? No. Not entirely. It is our job to punish kids and others who break the law. So there is some element of correction there.
ReplyDeleteI'm also torn on this. Why now? Was the media ignoring this for decades until now? Are kids now bigger pansies?
I was bullied pretty good I think back in middle school. I dreaded school. Hated social interactions with classmates for a while. But I don't think I ever wanted to off myself.
Am I just more bad ass than these kids? Or were they just screwed up already etc.
You're right that there are a lot of questions to be aswered on this.
I think it is our responsibility as parents (future parents in the cases of you and I) to teach our children to be sensitive to the feeling of their peers. You should encourage them to have zero tolerance for bullying behavior and to respond appropriately when they witness peer-on-peer violence/coercion.
ReplyDelete"Was the media ignoring this for decades until now? Are kids now bigger pansies?"
I suspect the media either ignored this problem, or grew tired of reporting about it several decades ago - magically rediscovering it within recent years (after all, history has a habit of recycling itself, albeit in slightly different incarnations).
Do you remember that big to-do in the 90s and early 00s about children being kidnapped or mysteriously disappearing? The media increased its coverage of stories about missing children, but not because the rate of missing children was going up. These stories helped the news media increase its sales and audience shares. The same principle is probably at work in regard to the perceived victim suicide epidemic.
Alternatively, it is a possibility the media coverage of suicide amongst bullied kids is a contributing factor. Perhaps this makes me sound like one of those morons who blame movies and video games for school shootings, but hear me out for a second. A desperate kid sees it affirmed over and over again on the news that killing himself will not only bring an end to his torment, but also provide a means in which he can take revenge on his bullies. I'm certainly not an expert on psychology, but this does seem like a plausible explanation, especially if the child in question has additional psychological issues that contribute to depression.
Of the two explanations I've thought of, I lean heavily towards the first one.
"Are kids now bigger pansies?"
Hmm...ok, THREE explanations. Maybe kids are just bigger pansies? Or rather, maybe the suicide rate amongst bully victims really has gone up, and for different reasons than the "media influence hypothesis" I provided?
Maybe I could find the answers if I bothered to look up what REAL experts had to say on the matter?
I agree it's our responsibility as parents/future parents.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how far that extends to my caring about other people's kids.
Also, isn't bullying somewhat natural? We shouldn't let it get out of hand of course, but it's human nature that some people will fuck with you.
You need to learn how to deal with that before you make it to high school or you are boned. Maybe zero tolerance of bullying isn't the way to go.
Maybe we teach our kids how to deal with bullies (and I don't just mean the get an adult first plan). Teach them that just because Tommy or Suzy is an asshole, doesn't mean their own life is meaningless.
I don't have any idea how we fix this. I don't know if there is something to fix. I'm also not yet interested enough to look into it more. Will revisit when I become a parent.
I see that I'm tardy to the party.
ReplyDelete"Also, isn't bullying somewhat natural? We shouldn't let it get out of hand of course, but it's human nature that some people will fuck with you.
You need to learn how to deal with that before you make it to high school or you are boned. Maybe zero tolerance of bullying isn't the way to go."
You know, I believe you when you say that you were bullied, and it was terrible etc. But I don't think that puts you in the position to look down on the Suicides as just being babies or pansies who can't take "normal" school interaction. Some of the stuff I've read about these gay kids (and others) that offed themselves, makes me ill just reading about it. Basically being casually assaulted almost every day, and regularly told that they should just go and kill themselves.
I mean, I was bullied too (not to mention being a bully, myself) in middle school and high school, but I've experienced nothing that bad. And I don't presume to tell these kids that it's their problem.
In my experience, administrative efforts to curtail bullying were nil. Outright fighting, yes. But not harrassment and bullying. So, while I accept that there's some reasonable limit to what the law & public employees can and should do about the problem - I don't think we've reached that point yet. Not even close. Right now the country seems to be casting glances and each other and wondering what to do. So, any effort is a good start, I suppose.
Actually, what's seems to be going on today is a kind of public, social shaming of bullies in popular culture, with no actual policy being strongly championed.
ReplyDeleteThat may be the best policy of all to discourage excessive bullying. I say excessive, since every teenager is a species of dick, and you're just never going to get around that. It's science.
I don't disagree with you here really.
ReplyDeleteI don't think all the suicides were pansies and in many cases bullies may be guilty of crimes in this manner etc.
I'm mainly saying I don't know, but that a zero tolerance policy might not be the best idea.
For funsies, here's a little personal take. I'm not saying this applies to anyone outside of me.
I got beat up a couple times, I was shunned primarily for being poor at a private school and also because I really was a loser. I got picked on and punched by a kid with cerebral palsy....that's how cool I was.
I had maybe two people at school my last three years there that I'd call "friendlies," but no friends.
And it sucked. I cried about going to school. I faked sick as often as possible. I dreaded the end of summer.
In my case the change of scenery to a new high school probably helped a lot, but even before that I learned to stand up for myself a little and I made new friends outside of school that like me.
It woulda been great to not face all that, really. But then I might not be me.
Sure. I feel the same about my own 2-3 year personal hell from 7th to 9th grade.
ReplyDeleteI've thought about this a little more.
ReplyDeleteThis is a social/cultural problem, so ultimately I think the solution will also be social/cultural. Moralizing teenagers a little more, at least by not enshrining cruelty (I'm looking at you, Real Housewives) would be a good step.
However, I would and will heartily condemn anyone who believes that school policies intended to prevent and punish bullying are some kind of encroachment on social development.
What are schools if not little islands of authority? Laws certainly apply there, but teachers and administrators are the first line of order, authority and punishment. In most cases, correction starts and ends within the school. In my experience, some schools expend almost no effort in curtailing bullying and intimidation. Once two kids start throwing punches, however, it becomes a big deal. Why this reaction to outright violence between two people, but not verbal harrassment and general cruelty? Why is it unreasonable to expect the employees of a school (people we in fact pay to watch our kids for half the day) to concern themselves with how kids treat each other? Bear in mind that these are not adults in a prison. They're legally minors who are not psychologically prepared for everything that real life (nasty, brutish and short as it is) has to offer.
It is unreasonable to presume that the burden is on any particular student to just deal with any and all particular forms of cruelty that any particular bully feels like dishing out. Administrators are probably not 100% responsible for acts of bullying, but they do share some level of responsibility. We have to expect them to do SOMETHING. Anything less is crazy.